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Time: 05:50
This morning, thankfully, I woke up at the time I intended. I love writing in the quiet of the morning, and I love beginning the day by drawing in the blessing of those early hours. The earlier a person starts the day, the more beautiful it feels. When everyone else is still asleep, there is something very meaningful about receiving the morning’s sustenance in that stillness. My late grandmother and great-grandmother used to scold us for sleeping in. They would say, “Don’t let the day rise over your belly.” In other words, wake up early and receive your share of the day. Looking back now, I understand more and more how right they were. Sadly, they are no longer with us.
My son is coming home today, God willing. I think camp must have worn him out quite a bit. I saw a photo of him yesterday. My child, who had planned to leave wearing almost nothing, still ended up getting sick even though he took something with him. They never listen to their mothers. They go around barefoot and bareheaded, practically writing an open invitation to illness. And when I complain, I become the “bad woman,” Müzeyyen. I think I will make his favorite yayla soup so he can have it nice and hot when he arrives.
I am also thinking deeply about dinner tonight. There is a little fish left from yesterday, but it will not be enough. I might make fish soup to go with it. If I still do not feel full, I can have a can of tuna. I will not cook anything separate for myself. For my husband and son, I am thinking of making fried peppers with plenty of tomatoes and garlic, and then topping it with garlicky yogurt. They both enjoy breakfast-style meals, so I will brew some tea as well. That sounds lovely.
This morning I have pain along my stomach and intestines. I have tried almost everything to deal with this constipation, but nothing really seems to work. Since I started eating in a way that suits IBS, thank goodness it no longer lasts as long as it used to, but it is still not enough. I feel uneasy, and it deeply affects my quality of life. It is exhausting. Can a person become afraid of eating? Unfortunately, I have. And now the morning rumbling has started again. At home, the sounds from my intestines are not really a problem, but when I go outside they become a serious source of stress. There are days when I plan to go out, but I end up postponing things because I worry about suddenly needing a toilet on the way. It is genuinely difficult. Today I keep wondering whether I should take the medicine that causes diarrhea. For now, I will take psyllium husk again. If nothing happens by the afternoon, I may have to turn to the medicine.
Lately, I keep coming across videos about living in the present, not getting stuck in the past, and not carrying unnecessary burdens. I do not think these things appear by chance. Some books can sit on your shelf for years unread, and then one day you suddenly find yourself holding that very book, reading it, and understanding certain things more clearly. I feel these videos appear in the same way. To me, it is not coincidence but meaningful timing. I believe that deeply.
Sometimes people enter our lives and later leave them. There is always something to learn from every person, whether good or bad. Every one of them becomes a lesson and an experience. These videos feel like that too. Lately I have noticed that I can no longer tolerate many things, and what I watch seems to support exactly that realization. I think my patience has truly run out. I understand that more clearly now.
Yesterday I sent a message to the teacher from the other choir. She could not even make the effort to say “get well soon.” I have cut my ties with that choir as well. I am continuing to remove from my life everything and everyone that does not do me good, that drains me, or causes me stress. You go to choir to feel good, and if it only creates tension, there is no point.
People say, “If I’m upset, you should be upset too.” Some may think that attitude is wrong, but as I have always said, if I can carry something, then others can carry it too. I have no intention of handing the reins of my life over to someone else.
For years we lived by worrying about what other people might say—always trying to keep the peace, always trying not to disturb anyone. And what did that bring us? In the end, we were the ones who got hurt.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about my aunt too. Since the holiday, shouldn’t a person call once in a while? She always has some excuse for not calling or not answering the phone. She is supposedly ill. Yet when she is out doing things with others, going places, she seems perfectly well. She even has enough energy to post it on social media. But she always expects the other person to make the call first. And even when you do call, she does not answer.
I have never understood this mindset. Why do people not answer their phones? Even if you are busy, shouldn’t you call back when you are free? But no—when you do not answer, suddenly you become the bad one.
Relationships that are carried by only one side can survive only up to a point. Eventually the person carrying them can no longer bear the weight, and then everything collapses. There is a saying: “You carry someone on your back for forty years, but the day you put them down, you become the bad one.” That is exactly how it feels.
When I look at where I have arrived over the years, I see that I was the one keeping certain bridges standing. I was always the one managing people, overlooking things, telling myself, “Let’s not spoil the peace.” From the outside, it may seem as if I suddenly reached this point, as if I began cutting people off all at once. But the truth is not like that.
As the weight on your back increases, eventually you can no longer carry it. It crushes you. You lose the ability to tolerate people using you like an emotional dumping ground, only calling when they need something. And after a while—perhaps at the very point where it should not happen—the ties finally break, and you begin to walk your own path.
For me, after years of struggling, the feeling of relief that came once I finally let those bridges fall is beyond words. But I have to admit something: you cannot see it while you are still inside the situation. Only when a kind of awakening comes, when you begin to see how used and foolish you have felt, do certain things become clearer.
And the beautiful part is this—you begin to feel yourself breathing again.
When you free yourself from toxic relationships and start making time for yourself and your family, you realize how much time you once spent on people who were never truly worth it—people who only reached out when they needed something.
And that awakening when it finally comes—it feels very good.
As we say: “Better late than never.”